Compare yourself only to your past self

I almost didn’t post this video on my social media.

It’s me doing pull-ups – badly. Assisted. Not the best form. Not many reps. My first instinct is to compare myself to the strong, effortless women in my social media feed and feel small. That tiny thought can detonate into a spiral in under a minute – because comparison feels like data.

The reason we fall into the comparison trap

As Jon Acuff explains in All It Takes Is a Goal, our brains want to know, “How are we doing?” But the scoreboard we grab is too often someone else’s life highlight reel. And “in the absence of a scorecard, your brain will use someone else’s” – and you will always come up lacking.

The problem isn’t that we want to measure progress. The problem is what we’re measuring against.

This is where Dan Sullivan’s concept of “The Gap and The Gain” (outlined in his book by the same title) becomes life-changing. The Gap is measuring yourself against an ideal future or against other people. The Gain is measuring yourself against where you started – your past self.

When I focus on where I’ve come from instead of where I think I should be, suddenly I’m winning.

My pull-up journey: from seconds to reps

Let me tell you the story behind that video I almost didn’t share.

Early in my journey, I started with dead hangs on the bar, measured in seconds. I couldn’t even hang for 10 seconds without my grip failing. Then I moved to the thickest resistance band – and I couldn’t do a single decent assisted rep.

Slowly, I built my reps up on that thickest band, then graduated to the medium band. Then, to the least supportive band I’m using now. Each session, if I get just one more rep, that’s a win. Some days, I get more reps out per set. On other days, I manage better form with the same number of reps.

If I judge today’s pull-ups against a fitness influencer’s effortless sets, I’d quit. If I judge them against yesterday’s me or last month’s me, I keep going.

This is what measuring progress, rather than perfection, looks like. As noted in Gentle by Courtney Carver: “slow progress is progress, and it’s the kind that sticks.”

Inspiration vs comparison: how to stop comparing yourself to others

Now, I’m not saying we should never look at others for motivation. I have Pinterest boards full of people who inspire me – women who are stronger, fitter, further along their journeys than I am. But there’s a crucial difference between being inspired by someone and comparing your results to theirs.

Inspiration asks: “What can I learn? How did they get there? What strategies can I adapt for my situation?” It’s forward-looking and growth-focused.

Comparison asks: “Why am I not there yet? What’s wrong with me that I can’t do what they do?” It’s deficit-focused and demoralising.

When I see a woman doing unassisted pull-ups, I can choose inspiration (“That’s where I’m heading – what exercises might help me get there?”) or comparison (“I’m so weak – I’ll never be able to do that”). Same stimulus, completely different response.

The key is using others’ success as a roadmap, not a report card.

Why comparing yourself to others steals joy

Here’s what I’ve learned about why external comparison is such a joy thief:

• It answers the wrong question. Our brain asks, “How are we doing?” and, without a personal scorecard, defaults to someone else’s. But their scorecard isn’t calibrated to your starting point, your circumstances, or your season of life.

• It replaces growth with performance anxiety. MJ DeMarco is blunt about this in Unscripted: “Comparison is the path to perpetual misery.” When we’re constantly looking sideways at others, we stop looking forward at our own path.

• It blinds us to the process. When we obsess over the final outcome, we rob ourselves of the meaning in the hard and powerful process we’re currently going through. We miss celebrating the resolve it takes to show up, day after day, even when progress feels slow.

The gap trap: measuring progress, not perfection

Even when we’re not comparing to others, measuring against our ideal future selves can be demoralising. That distance to our goal—what Sullivan calls “The Gap”—keeps us perpetually dissatisfied.

Yes, feeling the distance to a goal is natural. It’s the very feeling that makes us set goals in the first place. But staying focused on that distance instead of the ground we’ve already covered robs us of satisfaction and momentum.

Sometimes we think we’re plateauing when progress naturally slows as we move along the learning curve. The gains that came quickly at the beginning require more effort now, but that doesn’t mean we’re not moving forward.

How to measure the gain: Your personal scorecard

Here’s how to build a scorecard that actually serves your progress.

Start with tiny wins

As noted in Martin Meadows’ The Ultimate Focus Strategy: “Ensure that you always win” – even if the win is microscopic. Momentum compounds from these micro-triumphs. If you can’t do a full pull-up, celebrate the dead hang. If you can’t hang for 30 seconds, celebrate 10.

As Jon Acuff puts it in All It Takes Is a Goal: “Compare fifteen minutes to zero minutes” – if 15 minutes today is progress from yesterday’s zero, that’s meaningful advancement. Don’t compare to someone else’s ten-hour training block. That’s your progress.

Right-size your steps

If you feel stuck, your steps are still too big. I learned this the hard way with pull-ups. Trying to jump from zero to full pull-ups was setting myself up for failure. By breaking it down into dead hangs, then assisted reps with the thickest band, and then graduating to thinner bands, success became inevitable.

Count successes, not just failures

Our brains have a negativity bias. We’re wired to notice what went wrong more than what went right. Intentionally count your wins and observe the trend over time, rather than focusing on day-to-day minor fluctuations. Some days I nail my form but do fewer reps. On other days, I do more reps, but my form may get sloppy towards the end. Both can be wins if I’m tracking different aspects of progress.

Focus on lead measures

Measure what you can control – the inputs, not just the outputs. In my case, that’s showing up to practise my pull-ups (and other supporting exercises), focusing on form, and gradually increasing difficulty. These lead measures matter more than vanity metrics, because they’re the building blocks of eventual success.

Being impeccable with your word to yourself

As Don Miguel Ruiz teaches in The Fifth Agreement, don’t use your words against yourself.

The way you narrate your progress matters enormously. When I catch myself saying “I’m bad at pull-ups,” I rewrite it: “I’m investing the time I need to get better.” When I think “I’m so far behind,” I remind myself: “I’m here, taking the next right step.”

This isn’t toxic positivity. It’s taking responsibility for your growth without self-judgement. That combination sustains momentum in a way that beating yourself up never will.

Reclaiming joy along the way

One of the biggest mistakes I see (and have made myself) is postponing joy until we reach some finish line. But if you defer satisfaction until you achieve your goal, you train yourself not to enjoy the journey.

Instead, aim to be proud of your habits, not just your outcomes.

I’m proud that I show up to work out even when I’m tired.

I’m proud that I’m focusing on form even when it means fewer reps.

I’m proud that I’m measuring my progress against my own baseline, not against fitness influencers.

And something I’ve noticed – when you eventually arrive at your goal, you rarely wish it had happened sooner. The journey and timing usually make sense looking back.

Resilience as a metric

Here’s a reframe that I’ve found helpful: Treat failures and setbacks as proof you’re stretching yourself. If you’re not failing occasionally, you’re probably not pushing your edge.

Jim Kwik puts it perfectly in Limitless: “Instead of looking at mistakes as proof of failure, take them as proof that you’re trying.”

The key is moving on quickly. Martin Meadows explains in The Ultimate Focus Strategy why speed matters: “In the case of bouncing back after a failure, the more time that passes between a failure and bouncing back, the more difficult it is to start again, due to the negative self-talk accumulating with each day of inactivity.”

He’s blunt about what happens when we wallow: “Accept the failure and move on, and it won’t affect your progress much. Cry yourself to sleep (thinking how weak you are) or induce self-guilt, and you’ll likely never come back.”

Harsh? Maybe. True? Quite possibly.

When things don’t go as planned, I give myself about five minutes to process the disappointment – just enough time to acknowledge it without dwelling on it – then start planning the next steps. Rather than counting the number of setbacks, I track how quickly I can bounce back. That becomes its own metric of progress.

Designing your personal scorecard

Your scorecard should evolve as your life changes. What worked when you were single might not work when you have kids. What worked in your twenties might not work in your forties. Update your expectations so you don’t punish yourself with outdated standards.

Ask yourself regularly: “Am I doing this to feel like I’m making progress, or does it genuinely create results?” This helps you avoid performative busyness that looks productive but doesn’t move the needle.

And remember, you don’t need to measure everything perfectly to manage your progress effectively. Some things matter more than others. Choose metrics that actually signal progress for you, not what sounds impressive to others.

The only competition that matters: your past self

Here’s what I’ve learned from my pull-up journey and from studying Dan Sullivan’s “Gap and Gain” principle: The only fair fight is with your former self.

When I started, I couldn’t hang on the bar for 10 seconds. Now I’m doing assisted pull-ups on the least supportive band. That progression is mine. It belongs to no one else, and it can’t be diminished by someone else’s different journey.

Mastery is a path you walk, not a destination you arrive at. So measure the steps you’ve taken, not the miles remaining. Measure the gain – the distance from where you started, not the gap to the finish line.

The person I’m becoming, one rep at a time, is enough proof I’m on track.

Start where you are

If you’re stuck in comparison mode, here’s where to begin: As Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg suggests, “Start where you want to on your path to change. Allow yourself to feel successful [with small wins]. Then trust the process.”

• Compare today’s you to yesterday’s you – never your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel.

• Build tiny wins into your routine until momentum becomes automatic.

• Focus on what you can control today, not what you wish you’d done months ago.

• Share your imperfect attempts – someone needs to see that progress doesn’t look perfect.

The only person I’m competing with is my former self. And today, I won.